My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
I’m bored. I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking space, and sit there in my car with my reverse lights on.
If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
When one door closes and another opens, you’re probably in prison.
When I say, “The other day…” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself. Applicant: I’d rather not because I want this job.
Cop: Please step out of the car. Suspect: I’m too drunk. You get in.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects – those were the days
If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger sits down beside you, stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
I finally got eight hours of sleep – took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
Don’t you hate it when a couple argues in public, and you missed the beginning, so you don’t know whose side to be on?
When you do squats, do your knees sound like a goat chewing an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Instead, spend 30 seconds in my head – that’ll freak you out.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
When you ask what I’m doing today, and I say, “Nothing”, it doesn’t mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
Think about that moment you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master.
I have to walk early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Walking can add minutes to your life. It enables you, at 85-years-old, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
_._,_._,_
I’m bored. I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking space, and sit there in my car with my reverse lights on.
If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
When one door closes and another opens, you’re probably in prison.
When I say, “The other day…” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself. Applicant: I’d rather not because I want this job.
Cop: Please step out of the car. Suspect: I’m too drunk. You get in.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects – those were the days
If you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger sits down beside you, stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
I finally got eight hours of sleep – took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
Don’t you hate it when a couple argues in public, and you missed the beginning, so you don’t know whose side to be on?
When you do squats, do your knees sound like a goat chewing an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Instead, spend 30 seconds in my head – that’ll freak you out.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
When you ask what I’m doing today, and I say, “Nothing”, it doesn’t mean I’m free. It means I’m doing nothing.
Think about that moment you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master.
I have to walk early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Walking can add minutes to your life. It enables you, at 85-years-old, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
_._,_._,_
Some good ones! I never heard of these either! (unless I'm that forgetful)
