This just arrived from my wife's uncle!! Now you know what kind of family we have!!!! It's hard to type while your still laughing!!!
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all
he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly
empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true . I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable
love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,
"What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I
could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in
a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve,
with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me
in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple
of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that
Santa had been to his house and left a present that
had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My
brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would
play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that
turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again,
I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was
indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all
he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly
empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true . I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable
love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,
"What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I
could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in
a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the
bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve,
with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me
in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple
of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that
Santa had been to his house and left a present that
had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My
brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would
play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that
turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again,
I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was
indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.
