More Ponderings
- Thread starter oldskydog
- Start date
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I thought growing old would take longer.
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed.... I need bail money.
I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."
A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.
Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
Measure once, cuss twice
My dream job would be driving the karma bus.
THINK! (It's not illegal.... YET)
I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.
The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.
Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home
I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me
If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I thought growing old would take longer.
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed.... I need bail money.
I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."
A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.
Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
Measure once, cuss twice
My dream job would be driving the karma bus.
THINK! (It's not illegal.... YET)
I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.
The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.
Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home
I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me
If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds
I like the funeral one. 
That's awesome.
The Cynical Philosopher
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Just sayin'.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Claraand, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Things to Think About (don’t let them keep you awake all night)
If a poison’s “use by“ date expires, is it less poisonous or more poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word "Scent,” the S or the C?
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you, and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty
The word "swims" upside-down is still “swims”
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them
UNRESOLVED CONFUSIONS!
1) At a movie theater, which armrest is yours?
2) If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
3) Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
4) Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
VAGARIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Why does the word "Funeral" start with FUN?
Why isn't a fireman called a waterman?
How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
If money doesn't grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO, and those sent by truck called SHIPMENT?
Why do we put cups in the dishwasher, and dishes in the cupboard?
Why is it called "Rush Hour" when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come noses run and feet smell ?
Why do they call it a TV "set" when there is only one?
What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
Who thinks this stuff up? (Probably retired people who do not have much to do or those stuck in isolation.)