"So, I’m a car enthusiast and part-time auto mechanic who helps my neighbors out with their cars. Hey, I’ve got a little knowledge (Been doing this for a number of years) and I’ve got a great set of tools. I have a rather fast and rare early ‘70’s hobby car that I take out on weekends…..an Oldsmobile 442.
So anyway, my neighbor’s kid turns 17 and the mama gives him her Honda Civic for school. Say it with me now: “HONDA CIVIC”. Plastic and aluminum, AUTOMATIC, 75 Horsepower, basic commuter car, Honda Civic. Perfect for a new driver though…..it’s economical, easy to maintain, dependable, a great thing for Junior, I thought.
The first week was fine. He bought some of those ghetto spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone. The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox and I almost called CNN. I thought I had just seen a UFO! As it slowly approached around the corner, I could see it was a Honda Civic…..but with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy Crap! Even the parking brake was blinking.
Midnight…..48 hours later. I’m lying in bed with my girlfriend when I hear WHAAAAA-ZHOow! WHAAAAA-ZHOow! Over and over again in my neighbor’s garage. “Well, this is a damn odd time for Mr. Richardson to be screwing around with his weed-eater”, I thought out loud. After 45 minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought I’d go over and ask the neighbor to do his yard work in the morning like a normal person. Here is the junior Richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. Four more wannabe fake “gangsta-***” kids were standing around ‘tuning’ his new exhaust….which consisted of a rather tiny header as well as 4 coffee cans spray painted silver with the words TYPE-R stenciled on it in red. (It was obvious they had no clue what they were doing….even the paint was running).
“Holy sh**”, I told him, “Please quit fu***** with the car so we can get some sleep”!
Wait, that is BY FAR not all.
Following week, he asks me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He’s trying to install his new “Type-R” rear spoiler. He was damn proud of it; paid almost $600.00 for it, in fact. I asked him where he was going to put it since the Civic he got has no trunk. “The roof, Dawg”, is what he told me. This spoiler looks like one of those aluminum picnic tables you would see in a public park, except for tons of rivets and the words Type-R all over it. I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see just how retarded it would look. I gladly helped him install it. Yup. Totally retarded…..Classic. He went on to explain to me that he required it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at 200MPH. Yes, TWO-Hundred miles per hour. 4 cylinders, 75 Horsepower, downforce. Oh my God, what a dumb@ss.
It gets better……
Two weeks later he’s asking to borrow my cordless drill. He just bought a $1,200.00 body kit, yo, and he needs to be “down fo shizzle wit da tool dawg to install it, no wut he’s sane, dawg”? Pay attention now:
It gets good here. So junior “D**k-son” drills all the holes, tapes it and screws this plastic thing to his car and it REALLY is beginning to look like a spaceship, or an alien, or circus car………well maybe not yet. That’s coming. Here’s the problem: the body kit is white, the Civic is dark green. It looks like burrito vomit….and the car is a full 4 inches wider and 2 inches lower than it was before. He can’t get the doors to open or close properly because the “jiggy-fly body kit yo” is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I lend him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this ‘tard grind away on his new $1,200 yo yo word up body kit. Word. It was the flyest dawg. HAHA!
Circus Act Part 1: Now he decides he wants to “lower the ride, dawg”. I wouldn’t let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb@ss would damage them or hurt himself in the process. He wanted to cut the coils….dangerous…..unsafe…..stupid. After several hours he succeeded but now his new body kit was dragging on the ground and to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, thus ending his neon lighted story. His Type-R exhaust was dragging the ground as well. Can you imagine the sound of a weed-eater being scraped on a chalkboard? That’s what this damn thing sounds like.
You should see how retarded it looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2-tone body kit, blinking, stickers everywhere, buzzing like a chainsaw, bouncing up and down like a clown car. There must have been 30 stickers on it by now advertising everything from websites to dragons to “NOS” to “Turbo by Garrett”. Oh yeah and he got some of those clear Altezza taillights too.
Wait, that’s not all. Now Honda-tard wants a “Syssem, yo” He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home stereo and a Kragen auto parts special bass speaker that probably came from NAPA or something. Somehow he managed to get it wired to the neon lights (what’s left of them) so they would blink with the beat of the music….except you can’t hear the music. You can only hear the bass and it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.
Now it REALLY is starting to look like a clown car.
Okay. Now for Honda-Tard’s carbon fiber paintjob. He puts a hood scoop from a 1960’s Ford Mustang on it and it is ENORMOUS. I must admit, however, that it did help to balance out the retardedness of the rear spoiler/picnic table. Then out come the spray cans…..18 spray cans to be exact. First he pulled off his ghetto spinner rims and painted the wheels black. Flat black. Then he painted the word up body kit BRIGHT NEON YELLOW. The rest of the car was painted BRIGHT RED with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some sh** airbrushed on the doors. Think this kid can paint? Nope. Think he taped up the windows and tires? Nope. You can imagine the result.
Clown car complete? Not yet.
So anyway, my neighbor’s kid turns 17 and the mama gives him her Honda Civic for school. Say it with me now: “HONDA CIVIC”. Plastic and aluminum, AUTOMATIC, 75 Horsepower, basic commuter car, Honda Civic. Perfect for a new driver though…..it’s economical, easy to maintain, dependable, a great thing for Junior, I thought.
The first week was fine. He bought some of those ghetto spinning hubcaps and a set of dragon seat covers for it. That should have been it. He should have left it alone. The week after that, I walk out to my mailbox and I almost called CNN. I thought I had just seen a UFO! As it slowly approached around the corner, I could see it was a Honda Civic…..but with four different blinking colors of neon underneath it. Holy Crap! Even the parking brake was blinking.
Midnight…..48 hours later. I’m lying in bed with my girlfriend when I hear WHAAAAA-ZHOow! WHAAAAA-ZHOow! Over and over again in my neighbor’s garage. “Well, this is a damn odd time for Mr. Richardson to be screwing around with his weed-eater”, I thought out loud. After 45 minutes of this irritating buzzing, I thought I’d go over and ask the neighbor to do his yard work in the morning like a normal person. Here is the junior Richardson boy, proudly revving his engine up and down. Four more wannabe fake “gangsta-***” kids were standing around ‘tuning’ his new exhaust….which consisted of a rather tiny header as well as 4 coffee cans spray painted silver with the words TYPE-R stenciled on it in red. (It was obvious they had no clue what they were doing….even the paint was running).
“Holy sh**”, I told him, “Please quit fu***** with the car so we can get some sleep”!
Wait, that is BY FAR not all.
Following week, he asks me if he can borrow a screwdriver and a hammer. He’s trying to install his new “Type-R” rear spoiler. He was damn proud of it; paid almost $600.00 for it, in fact. I asked him where he was going to put it since the Civic he got has no trunk. “The roof, Dawg”, is what he told me. This spoiler looks like one of those aluminum picnic tables you would see in a public park, except for tons of rivets and the words Type-R all over it. I almost stopped him, but I wanted to see just how retarded it would look. I gladly helped him install it. Yup. Totally retarded…..Classic. He went on to explain to me that he required it for all of the downforce he needed to maintain traction at 200MPH. Yes, TWO-Hundred miles per hour. 4 cylinders, 75 Horsepower, downforce. Oh my God, what a dumb@ss.
It gets better……
Two weeks later he’s asking to borrow my cordless drill. He just bought a $1,200.00 body kit, yo, and he needs to be “down fo shizzle wit da tool dawg to install it, no wut he’s sane, dawg”? Pay attention now:
It gets good here. So junior “D**k-son” drills all the holes, tapes it and screws this plastic thing to his car and it REALLY is beginning to look like a spaceship, or an alien, or circus car………well maybe not yet. That’s coming. Here’s the problem: the body kit is white, the Civic is dark green. It looks like burrito vomit….and the car is a full 4 inches wider and 2 inches lower than it was before. He can’t get the doors to open or close properly because the “jiggy-fly body kit yo” is catching the door jamb. So, always the helpful one, I lend him my grinder. That was the coolest, watching this ‘tard grind away on his new $1,200 yo yo word up body kit. Word. It was the flyest dawg. HAHA!
Circus Act Part 1: Now he decides he wants to “lower the ride, dawg”. I wouldn’t let him use my tools, as I was afraid this dumb@ss would damage them or hurt himself in the process. He wanted to cut the coils….dangerous…..unsafe…..stupid. After several hours he succeeded but now his new body kit was dragging on the ground and to top it all off, the car was bouncing up and down like a carnival ride, thus ending his neon lighted story. His Type-R exhaust was dragging the ground as well. Can you imagine the sound of a weed-eater being scraped on a chalkboard? That’s what this damn thing sounds like.
You should see how retarded it looks. A huge picnic table on the roof, 2-tone body kit, blinking, stickers everywhere, buzzing like a chainsaw, bouncing up and down like a clown car. There must have been 30 stickers on it by now advertising everything from websites to dragons to “NOS” to “Turbo by Garrett”. Oh yeah and he got some of those clear Altezza taillights too.
Wait, that’s not all. Now Honda-tard wants a “Syssem, yo” He pieced together 6 different trashed car stereos, one home stereo and a Kragen auto parts special bass speaker that probably came from NAPA or something. Somehow he managed to get it wired to the neon lights (what’s left of them) so they would blink with the beat of the music….except you can’t hear the music. You can only hear the bass and it rattles his rooftop spoiler and license plate frame.
Now it REALLY is starting to look like a clown car.
Okay. Now for Honda-Tard’s carbon fiber paintjob. He puts a hood scoop from a 1960’s Ford Mustang on it and it is ENORMOUS. I must admit, however, that it did help to balance out the retardedness of the rear spoiler/picnic table. Then out come the spray cans…..18 spray cans to be exact. First he pulled off his ghetto spinner rims and painted the wheels black. Flat black. Then he painted the word up body kit BRIGHT NEON YELLOW. The rest of the car was painted BRIGHT RED with a purple fist turning into a dragon or some sh** airbrushed on the doors. Think this kid can paint? Nope. Think he taped up the windows and tires? Nope. You can imagine the result.
Clown car complete? Not yet.
And second, what's a Helen Keller concert?