Found in my joke stash and hasn't been posted in a while: 
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster, named Frank. He was visiting Texas from Minnesota.
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured, by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event.
#1 - MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very Mild.
Frank: Holy Sh*t!! What the H*ll is this stuff? You could strip paint off a driveway! Took me two beers to put the flames out. These Texans are crazy.
#2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smokey, with just a hint of pork. Slight Japaleno twang to it.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste other than pain! I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
#3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick, needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid Sally pounded me on the back: Now my spine is rubbing my sternum. I'm getting shitfaced from all the beer.
#4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish and other light foods. Not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it (is it possible to burnout taste buds?). Sally the barmaid is standing behind me with fresh refills. That 450 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
#5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her the her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly over it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those RedNecks!
#6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that barmaid Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a Snow Cone!
#7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. I should take note that I'm worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: Put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered in chili, which slid out of my mouth unnoticed, as I have no feeling in my face. My pants are filled with lava like shit matching my shirt. At least at the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4" hole in my stomach.
#8 - LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVER'S CHILI
Judge #1: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold yet spicy.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor guy, I wonder how he would have reacted to a really HOT chili?
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster, named Frank. He was visiting Texas from Minnesota.
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured, by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event.
#1 - MIKES MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very Mild.
Frank: Holy Sh*t!! What the H*ll is this stuff? You could strip paint off a driveway! Took me two beers to put the flames out. These Texans are crazy.
#2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smokey, with just a hint of pork. Slight Japaleno twang to it.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste other than pain! I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
#3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick, needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid Sally pounded me on the back: Now my spine is rubbing my sternum. I'm getting shitfaced from all the beer.
#4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish and other light foods. Not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it (is it possible to burnout taste buds?). Sally the barmaid is standing behind me with fresh refills. That 450 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
#5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her the her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly over it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those RedNecks!
#6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that barmaid Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a Snow Cone!
#7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. I should take note that I'm worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: Put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered in chili, which slid out of my mouth unnoticed, as I have no feeling in my face. My pants are filled with lava like shit matching my shirt. At least at the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4" hole in my stomach.
#8 - LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVER'S CHILI
Judge #1: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold yet spicy.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor guy, I wonder how he would have reacted to a really HOT chili?
